Saturday, September 27, 2008

Values. Overnight reflection. CCK08

The last post I read last night was from Tom.
He ponders about disfunctional families and disfunctional netowrks, it was almost midnight so I went to bed. I woke up with some thoughts and before rushing to answer, because he is asking about networks, I decided to place them here.

What moved me was that he is somewhat touching my area of expertise. I deal with disfunctionality every day at the office, the people that function in an acceptable manner for them do not come to visit.

How do I know if something is functional or disfunctional? Something functional for me can be disfunctional for you. What I do first is to get into their perspective and ask from there to gain clarity. Few people can tell others what is right or wrong, what is valuable and what is garbage; it deppends on the circumstances, everything is relative.

Sometimes they come saying: "I am lost, I cannot deal with this, I am losing my mind... am I crazy?"
My usual answer is: Crazy people don't go around asking if they are crazy, they believe they are not, they believe they are Napoleon or that someone is after them, or whatever and behave accordingly. If you are asking yourself if you are crazy it probably means that you are not.

Some other times they come expresing: "I don't feel safe, I am insecure, how do I know if my decision is correct?"
My answer would be: Don't look outside, look within. Observe what is bothering you, is the pain enough to complain but not enough to move? If you choose to keep complaining maybe it's not time yet for you to move. On the other hand, if you choose to move, imagine yourself in the new position... Does it feel right? Does it suit you?, What's lacking? From the answers we make an action plan.

It is easier to write about it than to do it. My main concern is to get them going where they want to go. I do not approve or disaprove their decisions or actions, if that's right for them probably it's right. What I have to watch out, precisely, is that whatever they do, they do it looking at themselves first. I often find myself saying: Convince me, I don't buy that, "you" are not talking, someone else is talking here, whose eyes are you wearing to look at the situation?

The point I want to make here is that to wander in the values, measures, evaluation or assessment area is a serious matter. It is relative. The same fact, the same behaviour can create havoc in one place and heaven in another.

What's funcional? What gives you comfort, a sense of well being, what allows you to move, interact and enjoy the path.
What's disfunctional? What causes discomfort, a sensation of being wronged, what keeps you rooted in one place unable to interact and enjoy.

Don't overlook the fact that sometimes is healthy to feel discomfort, it is part of the growing process. Sometimes by exploring the disfuncion or discomfort for a while you get some answers. Sometimes you save your life by not moving. Sometimes you enjoy discomfort. We come again to the same point. It is relative.